Hello Friends,
I’m writing today to address a serious matter. Something I don’t believe we spend enough time on or give enough attention to. I’m writing to start an engaged dialogue about a deeply consequential topic that makes life worth living, the grandmaster of what is undebatably important—Cuteness.
Bring on the cuteness.
Cuteness fact #1 - In Switzerland it’s illegal to own only one guinea pig because they crave social interaction so much.
Who can read this and not want to move to Switzerland? Why isn’t there a documentary about the day this law was passed? Is there at least a court transcript I could read?
“Your honor, the thing is, Tammy the Guinea Pig spent four days alone and on the fifth day stopped eating her leafy greens. Within a month Tammy was anemic and no longer excited about tunnel crawling.”
“Tammy lost interest in tunnel crawling?!” the judge exclaims. “That’s it—Every Guinea Pig in Switzerland must have at least one friend!”
Cuteness fact #2 - Gentoo penguins propose to their life mates with a pebble.
I’ve known this fact since 2004 when my girlfriend at the time left a pebble on my pillow. It was so romantic. A year later, when we broke up, I thought, “How is this possible? We were supposed to mate for life.” With a little research I figured out the problem–I wasn’t a Gentoo penguin. I was more of what scientists might call a Slutty Penguin. “Most penguins are far from monogamous. The worst offenders are those ‘romantic’ emperors, with a whopping 85 percent switching partners from one year to the next.” Yep, that pretty much explains me in 2004.
Cuteness fact #3 - Bananas are curved because they grow towards the sun.
I read this and for the first time in my life thought, “I’m too straight.” Seriously, I’m way too straight. Why am I not bent? How can I learn to grow towards the sun? Are twistier spines the future of human beings? Is that where evolution is headed? If so, how long will I have to lean in the direction of the sun before I’m permanently bent that way? And most importantly—Are bananas gay?
Cuteness fact #4 - There is an island in Japan only inhabited by bunnies.
Ok, who is the lucky duck (or bunny) that did this research? Did they pitch a tent on bunny island, and how long did they get to stay? I’m a big fan of bunnies. I live a ways out of town and my yard is filled with the little angels. Looking out my window right now I can see hundreds of bunny paw prints in the snow, and little fluffy bunny butts shuffling through the bushes collecting twigs for brunch. All of my yard-bunnies are pretty teeny, unlike Ralph, a British Bunny who holds the Guinness Book World Record for being the largest rabbit to ever hop around on this earth at fifty-five pounds. [And while we’re on the subject of cuteness, fifty-five pounds is double the weight of all three of my dogs combined.]
Cuteness fact #5 - You can hear rhubarb grow. It pops.
Can you imagine how much better the world would be if all humans were Rhubarb humans? “Joe, the thing is, you say you’ve been learning and growing but I haven’t once heard you pop. Why are you faking learning and growing, Joe? Listen to me, I pop all the time. When I say I’m growing I have the evidence to prove it. I’m basically made of pops, but you are so—silent. You never learn. Listen to that Rhubarb over there, popping constantly? Don’t you want to be like that Rhubarb, Joe?”
Love, Andrea Pop Gibson - Former Slutty Penguin - Writing to you from Bunny Island 🖤
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